


Breaking the Ice

by Rroselavy



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-15
Updated: 2012-01-15
Packaged: 2017-10-29 13:36:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/320475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rroselavy/pseuds/Rroselavy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Goku’s grown, and up until this point, Sanzo’s been able to live in denial of that fact.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breaking the Ice

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Velvetina_Belle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Velvetina_Belle/gifts).



> Takes place shortly after “Snow Drop.” With much thanks to my beta, Kis. However, I touched this last; all mistakes are mine.

Since the incident with Yakumo -- Sanzo refuses to think about it in any other terms -- Goku has been subdued and, to Sanzo, it’s more evidence that he’s matured. Up until now, Sanzo has been mostly able to ignore this simple fact, choosing instead to focus on the juvenile behavior that transpires whenever Goku and Gojyo are bored, but Goku’s new reticence, particularly how absent his voice has been in Sanzo’s head, has him feeling off-kilter.

Jeep eats up the miles on snow-covered roads, putting miles and days between the youkai man’s makeshift grave. They’ve all been unusually quiet since that shot rang out in the still air, but it’s Goku’s loss of exuberance that gets under Sanzo’s skin. He feels like he needs to explain why he did what he did, even though they all know it was the right thing to do; he had no other options.

Towns are sparse in the foothills they are traveling through, so as the snow turns an electric blue in the dusk, Hakkai muses that it’s time to look for a suitable place to camp. Sanzo is in no mood to argue. His body is cramped and achy from the frigid hours spent riding. Minutes later, they find a spot -- a copse of tall pines not far off the road with lower boughs that nearly sweep the ground -- a promise that the ground underneath will be relatively dry and spongy with needles.

Sanzo is content to smoke a cigarette or two while Hakkai, Gojyo and Goku efficiently set up camp. He frowns though, when Goku fails to take the bait from Gojyo’s half-hearted teasing. Goku merely shrugs his shoulders as he pounds the tent poles into the ground, the rhythm of the mallet he’s swinging doesn’t change _thud -- thud -- thud_ his compact body moves in a graceful arc of lean muscle and sinew. Soon enough, the campfire is blazing and they’re settled about it eating a meal of stew that Hakkai prepared from canned provisions. Afterwards, Hakkai produces a bag of marshmallows and Goku scampers through the trees scavenging suitable sticks to roast them on.

Sanzo refuses to partake, but Goku tempts him with one that’s been perfectly cooked -- bubbled and blackened on one side, with the promise of a soft, warm, gooey center.

“I made it just the way you like ‘em,” he says, a little too brightly. Sanzo can’t refuse the gesture and he doesn’t miss the way Goku’s entire body relaxes when he takes the stick and nibbles on the morsel.

Gojyo mumbles something about a ‘lazy, pissy priest,’ and Hakkai clears his throat before Sanzo can respond.

“Ahaha, if Goku wants to share his marshmallows, that’s his business, Gojyo.”

Sanzo merely glowers at the redhead across the fire.

“Ya want me to make you one, kappa?” Goku replies, overly sweet.

“I don’t need a baby monkey taking care of me,” Gojyo retorts. His heart isn’t in a fight though, and things settle down quickly. For Sanzo, the quiet is more disturbing than the petty arguments. Soon their conversation returns and Sanzo can retreat into his own thoughts; that proves to be a minefield, though, so he turns his attention back to the others; they’re talking about Christmas.

He watches sparks rise off the crackling fire and disappear into the abyss over their heads, listening to Hakkai explain the holiday to Goku.

“They put trees in their houses?” The disbelief is evident in his voice.

“Yes, and they decorate them with colored lights, and shiny bulbs and garlands.”

“It sounds pretty.” Now his voice is filled with wonder.

“Part of the spirit of Christmas is exchanging gifts.” Hakkai says, sending Gojyo a meaningful look.

“What kind of gifts?”

“Why are you telling him this?” Sanzo cuts in. The last thing he needs is Goku expecting some kind of trinket from him.

“Aha, Sanzo. You probably don’t realize the date -- it’s Christmas Eve.”

Sanzo prevents himself from a sarcastic reply that would include pointing out that he was, after all, Buddhist. He’d rather not piss Hakkai off, not when they have another several days’ travel ahead of them before they reach any sort of civilization.

So he glares at Goku instead. “Don’t get any ideas, Monkey,” he warns. It’s a pointless warning; he knows that Goku’s unstoppable when he gets something inside that thick skull of his.

“What?” Goku asks with a feigned innocent voice. Sanzo can almost see the wheels turning in his monkey brain.

This isn’t going to end well. Sanzo glares at him and Goku looks away, guiltily.

“I’ve had enough of this,” Sanzo mutters. His mood has taken a turn for the worse. He stands and stretches and thinks about crawling into his bedroll.

“What’s it like having a family, Hakkai?”

“Families are a pain in the ass, shitforbrains,” Gojyo replies. “You’re lucky you never had to deal with that bullshit.”

“Sanzo, we’re like a family, right?” Goku asks, hesitantly.

“Tch. What do you think?” Sanzo retorts. He tosses the butt of his cigarette into the fire. “I’m turning in. Let’s get an early start in the morning. It feels like more snow is on the way.”

Sanzo brushes his teeth and washes his hands and face in melted snow from a bucket at the camp’s makeshift latrine. He can hear the others going on about families. Goku volunteers that Sanzo and Hakkai often act like parents.

“Why do you say that, Goku?” Hakkai asks.

“’Cause Sanzo’s always grouchy an’ beats on us an’ you always take care of everybody.”

Gojyo guffaws, and Hakkai’s “I see” is murmured in a clipped tone.

There is a silence and, in it, Goku asks quietly, “Did I say something wrong?”

“Ya just compared Hakkai to a woman,” Gojyo explains helpfully.

“Would you rather I not do those things, Goku?”

“No!” he protests. “I like having a family!” There’s another pause. “‘M glad Yakumo had one, too. Everyone deserves a family, even if it’s not perfect.”

Sanzo can hear the yearning in Goku’s voice and he experiences a pang of regret. When he first brought Goku to Chang’an, he didn’t expect to be responsible for him, but over the years he’d grown into that role. Sometimes he missed those early days, when Goku would crawl into bed with him, seeking tangible evidence that he was no longer alone in the world. On those nights, despite Sanzo’s complaints otherwise, he slept more soundly than he had before in the years since Koumyou’s murder.

Sanzo put an end to that sleeping arrangement, though, after the morning arousals became too frequent, and he was woken up one dawn, Goku half asleep or fully asleep, his leg thrown over Sanzo’s midsection and his generous erection rubbing against Sanzo’s hip.

They never spoke of the incident. Sanzo still missed the contact from time to time, even though he would never admit to it.

Sanzo crawls into the tent he’s sharing with Goku and quickly disrobes. He slides into his bedroll and shivers until his body heat warms the down loft that surrounds it. He’s just dozing off when he hears Goku zippering the tent flap. There’s a blast of cold air that riffles through the tent as Goku enters and seals the flap again. His teeth chatter, piercing the quiet that has settled over the camp.

Sanzo shifts into a more comfortable position in his sleeping bag.

“D--didn’t m-m-mean to wake you,” Goku shivers.

“You didn’t,” Sanzo says curtly, turning his back to Goku’s voice. He hears the sound of Goku undressing -- laces being undone, snaps popping and zippers being tugged. Already the air in the tent is warming up from his added body heat.

“I’m glad you had someone when you were growing up,” Goku says quietly. “It musta been nice.”

It was, until that last night. Sanzo grunts irritably, hoping the noise will dissuade Goku from continuing the conversation.

Goku sighs as he slides into his bedroll. Sanzo can feel his presence; he’s only inches away in the close confines of the tent.

Sanzo begins to feel defensive; he rolls over to his other side, now facing Goku’s sleeping bag. “Look,” he says. “I know I was a shitty parent.”

“I didn’t think you were,” Goku replies. His voice is so close, it gives Sanzo a start.

“Keep your voice down!” he replies. Their tent nearly abuts Hakkai and Gojyo’s and Sanzo doesn’t need them eavesdropping. Not that being quieter would help much.

“My father, that is, or my older brother, even.” Goku’s voice is barely above a whisper.

“How did you think of me?” Sanzo asks after a while, his curiosity piqued.

Goku takes a long time to answer, so long, Sanzo’s almost given up waiting, figuring he’s fallen asleep.

“I--I dunno. I was so lonely there. And I wanted to die, but I just kept waiting instead. And then when you came and the charms flew away and I was free, I couldn’t believe it.”

“So, I was your savior.”

“At first, I guess so, an’ I didn’t want to lose sight of you because I thought if I did, I’d be alone again.”

“And now?”

“Now … it just feels like we belong together. Is that how it felt for you with your master?”

Sanzo’s breath catches. Koumyou’s memory is always so close to the surface of his thoughts, though he never speaks of him. It takes him by surprise that someone else -- that Goku -- has been thinking about someone he never met. It makes sense, though. Of the three of them, Goku probably has the best grasp of just how important Koumyou was to him.

“He was my father,” Sanzo says quietly, his voice barely above a whisper. “Is that what you think of me? That I’m your master?” The questions conjure up memories of Goku’s unflagging loyalty and one of Gojyo’s favorite taunts -- calling Goku his pet.

He takes Goku’s silence as agreement and Sanzo’s heart sinks a little.

“I never wanted a disciple,” he says gruffly.

“No, I don’t think I’m that, either.”

Sanzo wonders what Goku does think he is to him, and he’s about to ask that when he notes the sad tone to Goku’s reply.

“Goku, when were you happiest?” he asks. Certainly he hasn’t been for a while. Now, they’re all bone tired of this mission, and it isn’t even half over.

He doesn’t take long to reply. “When we were living at Chang’an, and you used to let me stay with you in your bed.”

“Koumyou used to allow me to stay with him sometimes,” Sanzo replies. “It made me happy, too. And I didn’t really mind that much when you came to my bed. Except when you stole all the covers.”

“’M sorry that I made you mad,” Goku mumbles sleepily.

“Which time?” Sanzo asks. Goku often ended up with the lion’s share of the blankets.

“The last time.”

Sanzo takes a deep breath before answering. They’d never mentioned what happened then, beyond Sanzo telling Goku he was no longer welcome in his bed at night. “I wasn’t mad as much as … surprised.”

Goku doesn’t answer and the minutes tick by in silence. Goku’s breath evens out and Sanzo feels some relief that the conversation is over. But now he’s wide awake, adrenalin coursing through his veins. What’s worse, though, is that he can hear Gojyo and Hakkai in the other tent. They’re trying to be quiet, too, and pretty soon it’s obvious to Sanzo why. As long as it doesn’t interfere with the mission, he tells himself. It doesn’t make him feel less alone, though.

As he waits for sleep to take him, he thinks about how warm Goku’s body was and how comforting it was those nights long ago to have someone lie next to him, someone who wanted nothing more than the contact of skin against skin.

He unzips his sleeping bag. “Goku, wake up,” he whispers, unzipping his, too.

“What’s going on?” Goku asks groggily. “Are we leaving already?”

“I’m trying to get these bags zipped together.”

Sanzo’s fingers and hands are freezing in seconds, but with Goku’s help, he manages to marry the two bags up and zips one long side closed and then closes across the bottom. He pats the spot next to him and Goku crawls in and zips up his side. It’s much warmer this way, and it becomes better still when Goku presses his back and shoulders against Sanzo’s chest and abdomen. Sanzo slides an arm around Goku’s waist and pulls him close. “Better?” he murmurs against Goku’s hair.

Goku nods his head.

Cocooned as he is now, Sanzo drops off to sleep in seconds.

 

He awakens to daylight after what feels like seconds -- as if he’d just shut his eyes. What’s more, he’s terrifically hard and a hand that is not his is wrapped around his shaft, tugging gently. A moan burbles up from his throat and escapes.

“Did you hear something, Gojyo?” Hakkai says from the other side of the tent.

“What’s that?”

“Oh, nothing.”

Sanzo’s fully conscious now and fully aware that Goku is jerking him off. He wants to be angry -- wants to push Goku away -- but it feels too damn good. His hips are moving of their own accord, matching Goku’s rhythm. Sanzo closes his eyes, giving in to the fantastic sensation. Goku’s hand is calloused and the friction his rough skin causes along the length of Sanzo’s dick is utterly amazing. He bites back another moan, mindful of the sounds outside the thin walls of the tent. Hakkai and Gojyo are making idle chitchat. Sanzo doesn’t trust that either he or Goku can stay silent for long. He fists Goku’s hair and crushes their mouths together. Somewhere in the back of Sanzo’s mind a warning flashes; if he doesn’t stop, he’ll surely regret it, but he’s not strong enough to ward off this temptation. Besides, just having Goku like this -- happy -- is worth a month full of regrets.

Goku kisses him back ardently; his tongue invades Sanzo’s mouth and his aggressiveness sends Sanzo’s arousal spiking to new highs. He slides one hand along the contours of Goku’s shoulder, upper arm, waist and then hip before he finds Goku’s cock -- hard and leaking. Goku’s moan is muffled by Sanzo’s mouth. He breaks the kiss only to whisper harshly, “If you make any noise, it ends.” Sanzo doesn’t know if he can follow through with his threat. Luckily, Goku nods his head in fervent agreement. The terms set, Sanzo palms Goku’s length, amazed at how heated his skin is. Goku buries his face in the crook of Sanzo’s neck and as Sanzo begins to match Goku stroke for stroke, he feels Goku’s teeth at his collarbone. He grips Goku’s cock tighter and Goku arches into him, frantically thrusting his hips as his hot spend coats Sanzo’s fingers.

Goku’s hand tightens around Sanzo’s dick, squeezing as he pulls it lazily. His tongue soothes over the skin where his teeth have just been and it’s enough to push Sanzo over the edge. He comes forcefully in Goku’s hand. They lie together in silence for a few minutes, their bodies still entwined, until Sanzo’s heart stops pounding and his breathing evens out.

He’s at a loss as to what to say to Goku and he senses Goku is, too; he’s unusually quiet. Sanzo toys with the idea of saying nothing, but that didn’t work out so well the last time.

He turns his head. Goku is staring at him anxiously, his teeth worrying his lower lip. Sanzo dips his head and kisses him, chastely at first, but things heat up very quickly. He strikes telling Goku that what they’d just done was a mistake that will never happen again off of his list of things to say. Who’s he kidding anyway; it felt damn good.

He pulls away when his lungs start burning from lack of oxygen.

“Ahahah. Sanzo? I think you’ve slept in.” Hakkai’s voice rings out on the other side of the tent’s canvas door. “You’d said you wanted to get an early start,” he reminds.

“Right,” Sanzo replies. “We’ll be right out.” Then louder, “Get up, Monkey.” He pulls Goku to him before he can obediently follow his order and brings their faces close together. “If you breathe one word of this to either of them, I will kill you,” he warns.

Goku only beams at him and then kisses him again.


End file.
